***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
