Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he thought i was a dude.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
time to smoke my breakfast
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
