i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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