Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
