it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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