I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Im part way to drunk.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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