I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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