Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
