six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize