ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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