D3 body, D1 cock
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
