i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
