my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
NoShamevember. You game?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
