Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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