You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Found your dick twin last night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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