On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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