I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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