Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
