Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
