I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
