My cat gives me a boner
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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