Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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