what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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