I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
