Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
