Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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