I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
