After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
