Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
