I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize