I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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