last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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