my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
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