I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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