3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
