walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
