I can tuck mytits in my pants
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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