Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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