mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
