I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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