Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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