his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
