i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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