he thought i was a dude.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
