Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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