don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Found your dick twin last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
