I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
