Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
