I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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