it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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