Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
