i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
