I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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