thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
