my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
