yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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