She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
