this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
