I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
